Letting Go

God is teaching me how to let go. I don't know why it's taken me so long to admit it, but I haven't gone without a fight.

I really thought I understood what it meant to completely give God control, but now I'm realizing that sometimes letting go means having your life and future all figured out and in order and then being asked to give all that up... everything you've known and loved most... and not only that, sometimes it means trusting God with the people you love and admitting that they ultimately belong to him, not you. It can mean confusion, guilt, heartache, tears, loss of sleep, and fear. But always, it means the promise of complete peace. I can trust God in theory, but can I do what he asks when he asks it, regardless of how painful and scary it seems?

"... give in to Me and My perfect plan for you, knowing that I only desire the very best for you."

Thoughts That Were Too Long for Twitter II

"Don't be so hard on yourself, My love. I see your heart filled with frustration... The battles in your mind belong to Me, so don't waste any more time tearing yourself down."

"Don't get discouraged, My beloved... You are Mine. I'm the only one who can handle your heart and restore you to health and wholeness again."

-"His Princess: Love Letters from Your King"

Music and Snack

I really love that I can listen to a song and be taken back to the state of mind I had when I first heard it. I think our brains attach some of the most vivid memories to music. Kinda like when you smell something and it reminds you of being in the first grade eating snack.

This morning on the way to school, I heard The Cranberries and was reminded of being locked up in my room belting it into a hairbrush and listening to "Zombie" over. and over. and over again. I tried to howl just like her.

Green Day's "Time of Your Life" made me think of living in an apartment for the first time when I was seven and wishing with every fiber of my being that I could someday be as cool as my older sister.

Dashboard brings me back to staying up alllll niiiight with new All State Choir friends... high on lack of sleep and laughing at EVERYTHING.

And oooh, Jack Johnson, how you ruled my highschool career.

Someday I will be on my way somewhere and hear Feist or The Black Eyed Peas or John Mayer... The Swell Season, Phil Wickham, or Lady GaGa ( Lord, bless her), and I will think of where I am now. I will remember feeling like a grownup even though I don't want to, getting choked up over how unbelievable my friends are, and dreaming of new adventures.

Thank you, God, for music.

Thoughts That Were Too Long For Twitter

• I think it's really awesome that the sun is so hot that it could burn us up in a second but God knew exactly how far away to put it so that it warms us up and makes things all pretty.

• All it takes is one person in the parking garage to park crooked like a butt to make a whole row of spots unavailable. Women should not drive giant Yukons.

• A chipmunk on campus actually chirped something that sounded like a song to me. I wonder if that was the inspiration for Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.

• I'm not sure what's harder: Doing something cool and fun without your favorite person being there or doing something cool and fun while your favorite person is there in the same building but you have nooo time to stop and spend with them. I conclude that they both suck.

This is appropriate, I think.

"I've noticed that winter has a feeling of its own.

It came from looking out of the passenger-side window while the black silhouettes of pine trees soared by and the spread of stars in the clearest of midnight sky stayed stationary behind them. All at once, as if I were hovering over those trees, I felt the mystery of cold.
It's being out at night and seeing everything so clearly because even the air becomes more pure and crisp. It's seeing your breath against a dark navy background, a kiss on the cheek that warms your entire being. It's feeling the sting of the wind on your face, and still insisting on staying outside.

As I look at those trees and their midnight companion, every thought and memory of past seasons comes rushing back. Every shade of blue and gray, every time my fingers would tingle from the change of numb to fireplace, every sound, every smell. All of these things exist in the season that chills us most, yet still bring their own indescribable warmth. Winter's feeling itself is just that, indescribable. Too many aspects, too many images, and too many sensations enter my mind in one second of thinking of winter to possibly be described in full bloom.

I am ready to wake up to cold mornings where the sun shining from window to carpet is my means of warming cold toes."

Lessons Learned and Re-Learned

Recently, my life has gone topsy-tervy. To say the least...

1: I have learned that sometimes the story is so long and overwhelming that it is impossible to tell... but that's ok.

2: Some people are so precious to us that we cannot stay away from them even if we try... and that's ok, too.

3: God knows my heartaches and concerns. He hears and understands every sigh and every confused thought. He is the one being that I will never have to worry about telling my long, overwhelming story to. He already knows. And he already has everything figured out.

Wonderful, beautiful, amazing people.

Yesterday was my twenty-first Birthday. "WOOO-HOOO!!" right?

And the very best part was realizing that I have had the pleasure of knowing and loving some wonderful, beautiful, amazing people. Sometimes I realize just how hopelessly scattered they all are and have a mini heart attack... and then things like Birthdays happen, and I realize that even though all of these beautiful people seem to continue farther and farther away in all directions, they are really all still right here... sort of... and even if some of them will be gone for a very, very long time, or even forever, they have made each stage in my life spectacular in their own ways. Thank you, God, for my wonderful, beautiful, amazing friends. Old and new.